5 Years In: Things I've Learned About Life In Florida

Five years ago, I moved from a stable life in Kentucky to an up-and-down existence in Florida. These days, it's more up than down, for which I am grateful. Here are some tips if you're a prospective citizen of the Tampa Bay Area:

• Florida has no state tax. This means that anything involving government costs a lot more. Prepare for 'sticker' shock with transferring your vehicle.

• Do not underestimate the sun. You might have worked outside all the time up north, but this is different. The Floridian sun can give you freckles through your shirt sleeves, and you can even get sunburned driving home from work.

• Related to the above: if you’re trying to make a living in Tampa Bay, expect a long commute. The largest number of jobs are in places you can’t afford to live. Those places are for tourists and the wealthier snowbirds. The assumption is that you’re partially paid in sunshine.

• Florida residents have a higher-than-usual risk for skin cancer. I think this must be a corollary.

• City regulations in coastal areas are not devised for the benefit of the citizens, but for that of tourists and rich snowbirds, who will supposedly flock to that town, even if there is no beach.

• If there is no beach, tourists and rich snowbirds will use your town as a pee stop en route to the beach towns.

• You will see advertisements for ‘manufactured homes’. All housing, outside of caves, is manufactured. These are really mobile homes.

• Manufactured housing is evacuated first during a hurricane, even if your town has no beach.

• The air may be warm in December, but the ocean isn’t. Ditto swimming pools.

• You won’t get a refreshing swim in the ocean or the pool during August unless you add a truckload of ice first.

• Do not wade or swim in retention ponds. The early developers drained and filled in many natural lakes during their quest to peddle land. Guess where the alligators live now?

• Lizards are everywhere, especially dinky ones. Check your shoes.

• The climate is favorable to vermin, not people. Expect to invest in heavy-duty prevention measures. Learn where the closest Tractor Supply Company store is, even if you don't own a tractor.

• Mashed potatoes ‘Florida style’ are often watery instead of creamy. I don’t know who thought of this, but they should be horsewhipped.

• Greek restaurants in Florida often put a scoop of potato salad under the Greek salad. They may claim it’s traditional, but it’s an American tradition. I've been to Greece twice; I know better. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it.

• There are two growing seasons in Florida, but many “farmers” at farmers’ markets don’t grow their own wares. Instead, they resell farm produce rejected by the supermarkets. Look for the guy with the badly spelled sign on the side of the road instead.

• You will lose snow days and gain hurricane days. Yes, it's weird. 

 The adjustment is slow, but continuing. Kentucky seems so far away. It is - in distance and time.

My Personal Climate Change

Last year, we moved from Kentucky to Florida to assist in my father's care. He has passed away, but we appear to be stuck here for the long haul. I'm sure this sounds like fun to everyone who only comes here to vacation at the beach, but we live with my mother and we're not making enough money to buy any of the fun vacationers get to have. My spouse's asthma has gone into remission since our arrival, but I'm having far more trouble with the climate adjustment.

Kentucky is hot and humid far more often than I would like, but it doesn't even come close to Florida. We live about a mile from the ocean, which means we get all the humidity and none of the breeze. Plus, 'winter' here consists of a week of autumn-like coolness preceded and followed by temps in the high 70s and lower 80s. That sounds fine until you realize that winter only lasts 3 months. The rest of the time it is punishingly hot. As in 'blast furnace' hot. Since it rains at least once a day during the summer months, I don't think it'd be going too far to apply the term 'outdoor sauna' to the state.

Adjustments:

• Exercising outdoors is only done during the winter months by sane people. These are usually the snowbirds, who still have brain cells undamaged by the heat. Even walking along the causeway is a dangerous undertaking if there is no breeze. If I want to get up at an obscene hour, I can walk at the community center, but let's get real - I only get up early if someone is paying me to do it. Exercise is not happening.
• Moisturizers with an SPF factor. Treating skin cancer is a big function of Floridian dermatologists. My late father had pieces cut and zapped out of his scalp on a regular basis. Some stores even sell clothing with an SPF factor, which tells you how serious a problem the sun is here. I use Lubriderm SPF 15 and watch my moles like a hungry hawk would.
• The constant use of Zip-Locs and Glad bags: rain comes and goes with very little warning here, and with great ferocity. Why? Because there's nothing tall enough to slow rain clouds down, and they've got an ocean to draw material from. Wearing rain gear all the time is begging for heatstroke, so people just do their best to protect their electronics and other delicate items. 
• Hair: Whenever it rained in Lexington, at least one person would ask if I'd just gotten a perm. With the humidity here, I'm using all sorts of conditioners I never needed before. If I didn't, I'd have bigger hair than Carrot Top playing with a Van de Graaff generator.
• Legs: Women's work attire generally involves skirts and capris, although during the 'winter' months 'regular' slacks are preferred. Me, I've worn shorts almost every day since I moved here in April. There's only been a few days in which I willingly wore anything longer. It's that hot here, especially when you live in a house with old folks. This also translates to my sudden need to shave my legs when employed. I have a question for drag queens and very butch women: can you shave your legs with a Norelco, and if you do, will you damage it?
• Nether regions: I am much higher-maintenance here, too. The heat and humidity cause a malady referred to as 'prickly heat' by women and 'swamp ass' by men. I powder everything when I get out of the shower, and have even had to change my brand of pads... which may be TMI for the male readers out there.

I've been told that my blood will eventually thin and I, too, will learn to tolerate the summers and come to think of sixty degrees as a 'freezing' temperature. Question for other transplants: is this true, or is it just a line of bull Floridians came up with to conceal their possible reptile heritage? I'm not seeing it.

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